"Tell me [Gawain]," Ike ased, "did you know that the bible says 'Money Answers All Things?'"

I turned my gaze up from the blackness surrounding us and looked over at Reverend Ike, who had begun talking again.

"No," I said, "Actually, I didn't know that."

"Well it does. Its "Ecclesiastes 10:19" and it says that Money Answers All Things!"

I only shrugged, which seemed to anger him, and he was silent.

Later, when we had parked outside of a rather large drab office building, Ike turned back to me.

"Look," He said, idly checking the change return on a payphone we walked by, "Am I your spiritual guide or not?"

I nodded, and shrugged. "Jesus said I was to be visited by a guide who would know how to answer all my questions."

Reverend Ike beamed, and as we passed a blind homeless man, he reached down and picked up the bottle of wild turkey the man was clutching as he slept and put it inside his coat.

"Well then. I told you the answer to whatever question you have; it's money!"

I sighed and nodded. Apparently Reverend Ike was here to teach me about this aspect of christianity, and wouldn't be content until I capitulated.

He continued to smile, and opened the door on the side of the office building. As he did so, I thought I heard a scream from inside, but at the time, I thought it was only the squeal of the door hinges. Ike ushered me in, and led me down a dark hallway and a narrow set of stairs. A single light cast a depressing glow about the place, emphesizing the shadows on the walls rather than bightening the hall.

Suddenly, I heard what was definately a scream, and it came from behind the rusted metal door ahead of us.

Reverend Ike flinched for a moment as the scream trailed off, and then shrugged and broke into his winning smile again as he opened the door.

The next room was illuminated much the same as the hallway without, a bare bulb hanging from the ceiling, throwing off a dim glow. Chained to the walls were several men and women, all of whome were wearing ball gags and stripped of clothing. Many had blindfolds on, but a few cast wild looks around the room.

A man with a whip stood in front of a black woman who was bleeding from long marks down her chest. The man with the whip suddenly hauled back and let loose on the woman, striking her and creating another long gash along her midsection. She screamed around the ball gag, and the rest of them began to whimper.

I was stunned for a moment in the doorway. This was not what I had expected. I quickly noted the exits from the room and then turned to Reverend Ike, who was rifling through what I assumed where these people's clothes on the table in front of him. He stood up when he saw me and displayed several money clips and a few gold rings with a proud look on his face, obviously waiting for some response from me. I tried a weak grin and nodded with what I hoped was a pleased expression as he smiled and slipped the items into his coat.

"Urm," I said, moving closer to him as he began on a different set of clothing. "What is this?"

At the sound of my voice, the man with the whip turned and looked at the two of us. He nodded at ike, and his mouth turned up in a smile to match the good reverend's. He had the whitest teeth I had ever seen, and he turned the smile on me as he put the whip away and began to release the people chained up to the walls.

I expected a mass exodus out the door, or maybe a retaliatory attack, but instead they fell to his feet and began to kiss his ankles and mumble what I guess was prayer.

The man petted each on the head and then gestured at me, and said a few words to them. They got up as one and moved out a different door than I had come in.

Reverend Ike had finished his "liberating of the tithes" and he moved to introduce me to the man with the whip. I noticed as I moved closer that he was an older man with finely chisled features and graying hair turning white.

"[Gawain] I would like to introduce you to Dr. Falwell."

I thought for a moment, and then shook Dr. Falwell's hand. He had a firm grip, and he continued to smile as he spoke. "[Gawain] I heard you ask what I was doing there. I admit, it must have looked barbaric, but believe me, it was for the good of the very people who were chained to the walls. You see, those were ex-homosexuals, Ex-jews, and people who occasionally masturbate."

"And.." I was having problems talking, "they want you to beat them with a whip?"

"Oh yes." said Jerry. "In fact, many of them are completely cured of their demons, but still return each sunday to the pre-sermon whipping, followed by the post sermon whipping and the light flogging that you just saw."

"That.. is facinating." I said, still aghast. "But. Um, I thought that Christianity was all about tolerance and kindness?"

It was then that Jesus appeared in a bright glow of light.

The effect of God appearing sent the two Reverends into a sudden frenzy of activity. Reverend Ike immediately palmed the lord fifty bucks, and Reverend Falwell began to whip himself with a frenzy of thwacks.

Jesus turned to Falwell and raised an eyebrow. "My son," he said, looking confused. "What are you doing?"

Falwell stopped and looked pained. "I uh. Had a vision of your naked buttocks briefly, oh lord, and-"

Christ cut him off. "Ah. Continue then."

As Falwell began to whip himself again, Jesus put his arm around my shoulders and led me off to another room. This one, a stark contrast to the rest of the building I had seen, was richly appointed in real wood and leather. Jesus sat down in an office chair behind the desk and crossed his legs.

"So," he began, "About this tolerance thing. Well see, as a future christian, you need to learn about one of the more important principles of your newly adopted faith. That principle goes something like this: 'We are right, and you are wrong, and we acknowledge that you don't know any better because you are an ignorant savage.'"

He paused and raised his eyebrow, as if waiting for me to repeat the principle.

"Wait a second," I said, and Jesus pursed his lips in annoyance. "now hold on. That is the exact opposite of 'tolerance.'"

"Well," said Jesus, "not really. Actually, the tolerant part comes after the 'acknowledgement of inferiority.' We're tolerant in that we don't kill you like we used to. Now we just do our best to make sure you are aware of how wrong everything you believe is."

"I.. see." I said, not seeing.

Jesus sighed sadly. "I know you don't understand, [Gawain], and that's ok! You're new at this. I'll come back and check on your progress in a couple hours, I think Reverend Ike is about to come in and tell you its time to go."

And, as if on cue, Ike stepped in and informed me that it was time to go to the next stop on our tour. I turned to Jesus and I must have looked astonished, because he pointed to himself and said "son of god, remember?" before disappearing.

Reverend Falwell had finished administering to his flock of "EXs", and was apparently going to join us in our trip along the spiritual highway.

As we got into the car, I turned to Ike and asked where we were going next.

"Now you know," he replied, "I can't tell you, that would be cheating!"

I slipped him a 10-spot.

"We're swinging by Steve Gallagher's place."

I grinned. "Oh hey! I love that guy, with the watermelons, right? And the sledge hammer?"

I must have said something wrong, because both of the Men Of God started laughing.